


i deserve to fucking thrive

by biremuslupin



Category: Raven Cycle - Maggie Stiefvater
Genre: Blue's THERE but she's asleep, Grief/Mourning, Henry comforting Gansey, It's not really relevant but the game Henry's playing is New Horizons. of course, Major Spoilers. Obviously, Takes place during the road trip, This Should follow canon but I wrote from memory so if a minor detail is wrong...sue me, this made me sad
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-25
Updated: 2020-03-25
Packaged: 2021-02-28 21:02:37
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,934
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23303596
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/biremuslupin/pseuds/biremuslupin
Summary: At first, Gansey didn’t realize that he was the only one who remembered Noah. He didn’t want to be the first person to bring him up, couldn’t be the first person to bring him up. Gansey was the reason that Noah wasn’t there anymore. That much was obvious. Time is circular, and this particular loop had already happened once before, to a much younger Gansey and a Gansey-aged Noah. Noah saved Gansey’s life accidentally. Noah saved Gansey’s life intentionally. Circle of life, now twice over. The curtains have closed, the actors took their final bows, Noah is gone, the show must go on.
Comments: 6
Kudos: 26





	i deserve to fucking thrive

**Author's Note:**

> this was WEIRD to write because i simply do not feel confident enough in my characterization of henry. HOWEVER i think i did alright. hope y'all enjoy <3

In the months following Gansey’s second death, he comes to the conclusion that his friends are not nearly as observant as they pride themselves on being. That isn’t entirely fair. They’re plenty observant; they’re just very confident in themselves, and as a result, tend to make quick assumptions when Gansey is involved. He died, and although he came back, they excuse any of his moods and all of his grieving with that simple fact. He was dead, but he came back. He’s alive, more so now than he’s ever been. 

That’s because Noah isn’t.

At first, Gansey didn’t realize that he was the only one who remembered Noah. He didn’t want to be the first person to bring him up,  _ couldn’t _ be the first person to bring him up. Gansey was the reason that Noah wasn’t there anymore. That much was obvious. Time is circular, and this particular loop had already happened once before, to a much younger Gansey and a Gansey-aged Noah. Noah saved Gansey’s life accidentally. Noah saved Gansey’s life intentionally. Circle of life, now twice over. The curtains have closed, the actors took their final bows, Noah is gone, the show must go on. 

It’s a little easier to deal with Noah being gone after Gansey, Henry, and Blue leave for their roadtrip. Noah, and everyone’s memories of him, died in Henrietta. As much as Gansey hates himself for it, leaving Henrietta makes it easier. He’s still replaying the two deaths in his head almost constantly, but the open road and Henry’s shitty mixtapes make the deaths a bit easier to deal with. 

Neither Blue nor Henry question Gansey’s moments of sadness. They let him wallow a reasonable amount, then spend the day making progressively dirtier jokes until Gansey can no longer pick up on the punchline and Henry and Blue can no longer get said punchlines out amidst their laughter. 

Driving usually helps. Gansey once told Blue it was impossible to be sad while driving the Pig, and he wasn’t wrong. It’s hard to be sad in this car that’s been with him through everything as much as Blue has, as much as Adam has, as much as Ronan has, as much as Henry has,  _ as much as Noah has. _ Driving isn’t helping.

Henry’s busy in the passenger seat, occasionally cursing goodnaturedly at the game console in his lap. He doesn’t realize that Gansey’s crying until Gansey pulls onto the shoulder of the road and stops the car.

He looks up from his game, a joke already forming, but his smile falls at the sight of the tears running silently down Gansey’s cheeks. He sets his game down and turns to face Gansey properly, which is a bit hard given the seatbelt now digging into his neck. He takes it off.

“What’s wrong, Gansey man?” He asks softly, raising his hand up to brush a tear off Gansey’s cheek. Blue is asleep in the backseat, and he doesn’t want to wake her. Gansey doesn’t want to either. He loves Blue, but he thinks, if he’s going to tell either of them about Noah, telling Henry would be infinitely easier. 

“I wasn’t the only one who died,” Gansey whispers. He runs his thumb along his bottom lip and avoids Henry’s gaze.

“Well, no, plenty of people died that day,” Henry replies reasonably. He tilts his head, attempting to piece together what Gansey could possibly be thinking about. “I would hope you’re not only just understanding the concept of mortality and our own impending death. It’d be a bit belated, wouldn’t it?”

“No, I mean,” Gansey stops and shakes his head, unsure of how to explain Noah without seeming like he’s gone mad. “That day. I mean, I was the only one who  _ died _ died, he was already dead, but he…” Gansey trails off. He laughs. God, he sounds  _ insane. _

“He?” Henry asks. He’s looking at Gansey and Gansey looks back. He doesn’t look like he thinks Gansey’s crazy. He looks worried. 

Gansey sighs. He buries his face in his hands. He shouldn’t have even brought this up. This, Noah, is his burden to bear, not Henry’s. It’s his fault he’s gone permanently, not Henry’s. That’s why Gansey’s the only one who remembers him. Noah would still be with them if it wasn’t for Gansey. 

But that’s ridiculous. Noah was already dead, and fading everyday. Sure, he had his good days, but even then, he was a ghost of the person he’d been before Gansey had known him, literally. Surely Gansey wouldn’t actually give up his life so Noah could go on living in the shadows? Surely it’s better this way? Gansey didn’t know. He couldn’t know. Noah had been terrified of moving on, and Gansey had forced his hand. 

Gansey groans softly. He feels Henry peel his hands away from his face, and when he opens his eyes, Henry’s face is mere inches from his own.

“Who, Gansey?” Henry asks. 

Caught off guard by the closeness, Gansey pulls his head back and his head makes a low thud against the headrest. 

Henry returns to his seat. He crosses his legs under himself, all of his attention on Gansey and Gansey feels himself sit up a bit straighter.

“Noah,” he says, and his voice breaks. It’s the first time he’s said his name out loud since… well, since before he faded. Gansey lets out a shaky breath.

“Who’s Noah?” Henry asks.

That’s fair. Henry didn’t really know Noah. The question doesn’t hit Gansey as hard as it would have if it had come from Blue, Ronan, or Adam. 

“He was…” Gansey pauses. How could he describe Noah to Henry? He shakes his head. He has to. He can’t carry the weight alone anymore; he’s been doing it for months, and it’s killing him. He has to just do it. He has to just try his best. Noah always tried his best. It’s the least Gansey can do.

“Remember Whelk?” Gansey asks. Start at the beginning. 

“Oh, the creepy Latin teacher? Big ears, awful hair? I thought he had a really pretentious name, a B-something?”

“He did. Barrington.”

“Oh, that’s  _ awful _ . Worse than Dick, even.”

“Ha, yeah. Well, he was a student at Aglionby when we were kids. Noah was his roommate, Noah Czerny. They were searching for Glendower before I even knew who he was. They were close, too, but they were blocked, I guess. They, Whelk, I mean, he figured doing a ritual killing would...unblock it, would let him find Glendower easier. So he...he killed Noah.” Gansey stops, looks down at his hands. 

“Aglionby hired a murderer to teach us Latin?” Henry asks, clearly curious, and only mildly insensitively. 

“They didn’t know. Noah had been classified as missing for seven years before Blue and I found his body. Noah had been living with us, though, technically. We had no idea he was dead. His body being on the ley line made him look less dead. He couldn’t eat or sleep or anything, but he could talk to us and he was kind and he died in his Aglionby uniform so we just assumed, you know?”

“You lived with a dead boy and thought he was alive because he wore a school uniform?” Henry asks, still tiptoeing the line between curious and rude. 

“Yeah. We didn’t even consider the possibility that he could be...well, that he was anything other than one of us. He was one of our best friends. He changed when we found his body, got less human, because his bones had been moved. After he was buried, we moved his bones back to the church we’d found him at. He hadn’t really wanted to move on then, I don’t think.”

“You  _ dug up a grave? _ Jesus, Dick, that’s hardcore!” Henry says, this time rude. “Sorry. I’m being crude. What happened next?”

“He was...better after we put his bones back. Different, though. He started reenacting his death, and came and went less regularly, but he was still Noah. Still our friend. He’d been there for all of it.” 

Gansey stops. Now for the hard part, the part that entangles Noah and Gansey, the reason Gansey still remembers Noah, the reason Gansey can hardly live with himself. 

“What happened to him, Gansey?” Henry asks softly. 

“Noah was being killed by Whelk at the same time that I was being killed by the wasps, that first time,” Gansey admits finally, after a silence that he can feel pushing in on him. It’s a terrible thing to talk about, the deaths of two boys. 

“And him being on the ley line…,” Henry says, connecting the dots so Gansey, thankfully, doesn’t have to spell it out for him. 

“Yeah,” Gansey replies, more of a sigh of relief than a word. 

“Heavy.”

“Yeah,” Gansey says again. 

“I’m sorry, Gansey,” Henry says, even though Gansey doesn’t think he has any reason to be. It’s polite, he supposes. 

They’re silent. Gansey wipes the tears from his face on the sleeve of his sweatshirt. Henry stares out at the night sky through the dash. Blue snores in the backseat. 

“Does Blue know him?” Henry asks, just as Gansey begins to pull back onto the highway. 

"She did,” Gansey answers, eyes on the road.  _ Don’t be sad while driving the Pig _ , he tells himself. Just focus on the road.  _ Tell the rest of your story, but don’t cry again. Don’t cry again.  _

“But she doesn’t now?”

“No. Neither do Adam and Ronan. They all forgot him when I died. It’s why I haven’t talked about him until now,” Gansey explains, attempting nonchalance. Failing nonchalance. Henry doesn’t comment on his failed casualty. 

“Noah gave up all that was left of him for me to live. He didn’t mean to do it when we died the first time. I think he meant to do it the second time. He did it for me. And I just…I want to deserve it.” The words are almost impossible for Gansey to say. Saying it to his vague reflection in the dash is easier than saying it to Henry directly. 

“Jesus, Gansey.”

“Yeah. Heavy.”

“You deserve to live, man. You deserve to fucking  _ thrive.  _ I want you to know that,” Henry tells him. He reaches over and puts a hand on Gansey’s shoulder, and Gansey looks at him. “Say it, Gansey. Say ‘I deserve to fucking thrive.’”

Gansey makes a face at that. What’s the point? Sure, he knows, theoretically, that he deserves it. He hasn’t done anything wrong, at least not intentionally. But Noah deserved to live, too. 

“Say it,” Henry repeats, squeezing Gansey’s shoulder. 

It’s a comforting feeling. Gansey knows he can’t actually feel the warmth of Henry’s hand through the sweatshirt he’s wearing, but he imagines he does. He feels grounded by it. 

“I deserve to fucking thrive?” Gansey repeats, more of a question than a statement. 

Henry shakes his head. “You have to  _ feel _ it, Dick. Feel it. I deserve to  _ fucking thrive _ !” He repeats, voice louder. He looks over his shoulder at Blue, still asleep despite the loudness of his voice and the smallness of the car. “Maybe not that loud. Or maybe that loud. Go nuts, man. Go apeshit, if you must.”

Gansey laughs. He feels as though a weight’s been lifted, as though he can breathe again. Henry’s hand on his shoulder and the Pig’s engine thrumming under him and Blue’s breathing in the backseat and the stars above them. He  _ does  _ deserve to fucking thrive, doesn’t he?

“I deserve to fucking thrive,” he says finally, and he thinks he truly means it. 


End file.
